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[28 Jul 2006|03:32am] |
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If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you
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[28 Jul 2006|03:23am] |
The definition of insanity is repeating the same action again and again while expecting different results:
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| i dream a widower. |
[24 Jul 2006|12:39am] |
if i could remedy things between myself and a girl i once dated i would. i would apologize for whatever it is i said or did or didnt do.
i like to tell myself i dont care, but i do. i wish things were ok. i wish i could still touch her like i used to. i wish i could make her laugh again, instead of this perpetual disgust she holds. i wish i had her mouth against mine once more.
look, this is just one of those things ill get over eventually.
i think - and i may be right about this - but i think that sometimes people who come across me and my bullshit lifestyle, which is to some extent mysterious and exciting at first, well, those people eventually move on. they realize there isnt much to all this if youre not invested. and, since they havent put in the time or the effort or the interest, well, they move on. they become stronger instead of leeching off of what little organization i have. instead of living in my realm of thorough inaction, of absolute indifference, of compliant disregard, they move on. they make plans. they set goals. they get married. they give up.
they cant be aimless forever.
the ambition that people have to succeed, in whatever form, is enough to keep them driving on and striving for that realization of accomplishment. the triumphant attainment of whatever it is you want has never mattered in my world. victory is inconsequential.
dont act surprised. nihilism is the easiest way out.
if i said i wasnt purposeful id be lying, though im still the aberration.even now i dont care about anything enough for the pursuit of a dream. even with this dumb fucking impairment, i still dont care enough to succeed.
thats not to say i dont have goals, of course. youd laugh if you heard them, but trust me, i do have goals.
lately ive been having this reoccurring dream where im with my ex, post coitus, or love making, or sex or whatever you call it. we lie in a bed, naked and open and calm and talking about something, i dont know what. it could be anything. even in my dreams she doesnt compare to the way i saw her. there is a window open somewhere, and, as embarrassing as this is, there is music. somewhere in this foreign room with a bed and white sheets and light spreading through everything, there is music. like a fucking music video.
this is the first dream ive had in months that isnt entirely pornographic.
eventually the room turns into a child and that child is mine, who i walk with hand in hand. its all very sappy and not like me at all, but its what is there. the ex, however, is gone.
ive had this dream before, where i envision myself with a child, as a father, a leader, a confidant. i have pictured myself this way for years now, always without a mother. everytime i picture myself with a child there is no woman present. there is no one else there. when i was still with the ex, and even for a long time after, when i had this dream she was there, but not anymore.
now she only comes and goes, hot and sweating and calm. and happy. she always leaves happy.
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| Pivot and run |
[05 Apr 2006|12:38pm] |
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I found the most perfect girl...for once I don't have to second guess this.i'm free and she allows me to be
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[24 Feb 2006|02:05pm] |
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I think this is something that will wake me up for good
so hey i am looking for a new job and place to stay in venice.anyone know of anything.guess i'll hit up craigs list.but yeah baisically ...I'm finding help in some interesting places.places i thought least likely...and i thank her for it despite what i've put her through.
so yeah...shit's hard right now,but i'll make it through
i used to live my life filled with hate and blinded by fear,now with my eys wide open i can maybe love again and stay on track for goood.fix what was once ruined.do what's right and live life and never...ever look back
this time kid...it's for you and me
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[12 Dec 2005|10:40pm] |
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So...
The last month or so has been really stressful. It's slowing chipping away at me.
I'm not going to give a long sob-story but I do bring it on myself.
I can honestly say that I no longer know right from wrong, but at the same time, how do you measure that?
Is personal happiness the right, or putting others before you the right?
I guess when your younger right and wrong are alot easier to measure, but as you get older there is no defined line it's either you do or you don't.
I think all these things tie into the fact that I have been questioning my own exsistance and purpose in life.
I know there are people willing to help me and be there for me, but do I want them to be? Not that I don't appreciate they're efforts, and kind words. I just feel like I can't give them the attention the need or deserve, with so many problems that I my self need to work out.
Maybe this is just melo-drama. I am not quite sure. All I know is that I havent felt like myself in about a month, almost like I am more of a spectator to my life, than the person in the game. I feel like I am just flowing through.
I am tried of worrying about the consquences of my actions, not that I do not take them into account, but I feel like I am just over-analyzing things way to much, and not doing what I want, I am not living, I am just doing things to stay alive, and compromising on things that i do not want to. It makes me scared just to have to get up in the morning.
For about Three weeks my heart would race constantly, as soon as I would wake up I could feel thumping hard as shit. It made me wig out a bit.
I don't want to hurt my friends and family, the people I care about very much, but at the sametime all I am doing is hurting myself.
I just feel like I want to tell the world to shut the hell up and go away, is that normal? Does anyone remember when I was normal? Yea me either.
I just wonder how long this will take to get over or how long it will take to work out.
I thought I could do all this without changing anything, but I don't think that is an option.
I dont want to be something I hate.
"Those who risk nothing, gain nothing"
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| How do you make the world around you better if you aren't better yourself? |
[17 Nov 2005|01:19pm] |
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I want to break out of my skin right now. I do not know what the fuck I want to do.
Is it normal, to constantly fear consquence?
It is fucking eating me alive, I am a slave to my mind, and it will be the end of me.
How depressing is it, when you constantly fear death, yet dying means the end of pain.
Is it the emotions of pain and sadness and hatred that make you feel alive?
I mean in order to have those emotions would'nt you have had to been comfortable, happy, and loved?
Is this not living?
Moral dilemas, as hard as it is for someone else to swallow, don't you think it's harder for them?
Maybe it's not, maybe in my own experiance I subsitute that theory for the fact that it's not my decision that's so hard, but the fact that I have to face up to the truth, that it is just not the way I feel.
You can't force emotions, they will come to you.
It's like saying you really love something, but than one-day you realize you really don't. Is the decision to stop caring about that something the hard part or is having to come to terms with the fact that you don't care the hard part?
These are the kind of thing's that run around in my head all day. constantly, from the moment I wake to I fall asleep. Every day I question my exsistance.
When I was about Eight years old me, my mom and dad were driving home from my aunt's house, and I was just sitting in the backseat, and for reasons not known to me exactly, I said: "You know what makes me sad? That one day I am going to die." Than I proceded to throw up.
When I was younger, A kid I grew up with across the street from me died in his sleep, he just stopped breathing. How does a Six year old take that?
From that day on I would pray to God to let me live forever every night. I was'nt asking for love, or health, I was asking God not to kill me, or spare me. Is there something wrong with that picture? I just wanted to live forever, but when I grew up and close to the begining of my teen years, I would sit in bed a night and analyze the meaning of forever.
I don't know if I am the only one, but that word scares me. Forever is infathamable I can't even try to describe it or imagine it. To be blunt and sarcastic, forever is a long fucking time.
Why do I let the end of life, keep me from living life?
From my teens years to my twenties I have discovered that I have irrational fears, not to say they are not based on real thing's, But sometime I just think about another country bombing us, and that's how I go out; Or a deadly outbreak and thats how I go out, or plane crash, or a car crash, or I contract some illness, or etc etc etc...It just goes on and on. I should'nt be fearing these thing's. I should be aware of them, but not let them interfere with my life, yet I do.
I use to think that if I was in love that would solve all the problems, including the fear of death, I would use love as a way to medicate my fear. If I was in love that would mean I was happy, and if was happy would'nt that mean I was'nt scared? I still stand by that theory; But at the same time I am not going to chase something down, it will either find me, or I will find it without even looking for it. I think that is how it works. I am not saying that effort shouldnt be put in, but not as much as some people, including myself put in. It has to be real not forced or contrived.
Selfish is how I feel, if I don't get what I want to make me happy, than fuck it. I don't like feeling that way. People always talk about the better man, selfless, heroic, full of heart and all that other stuff. I would love to be that person. But does anyone think about that guy, and when he goes home to an empty house with no one to talk to? Is he happy, does'nt he have fears? He is just the guy who puts all other thing's before himself. Do you think at the end of the day he's happy? Sure he did the right thing's and made the right choices and he knows it, but does it make him happy?
Do you think he worries about death? What will happen he's gone, what will they put on his tombstone?
"Here lies a great noble man." But years after he's gone, he will just be a whisper among the future generations. Seriously, sure some of our Past leaders have been great men, but look around you, with the exception of maybe a work holiday, does anyone really care what that person did fifty, one hundred years ago? Better yet let me re-phrase that, would you not think that ninety five percent of the people on the face of this planet take what that person did or what they stood for, for granted?
I'm not trying to shit on someones beliefs; But why do you celebrate Christmas? Is it because you really want to honor the spirit and sacrafice of Jesus, or the fact that you get a week from school off, and get to go shopping and recieve gifts.
Enough of this martyrism I have been rambling for an hour.
How do you make yourself happy, and those around you?
"Bound by mortality, we have everything in comman, from the great to the meek."
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[14 Nov 2005|12:00am] |
fast songs,
slow songs,
good songs,
bad songs.
I wanna hear a sad song,
tell me that i'm all wrong.
tear me up and make me cry,
break my heart til' I die.
I mis you more then you'd ever think.
words just stuck in my heart, they never leave.
Sounds alot like you to me.
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[11 Nov 2005|08:12pm] |
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| I remember this |
[10 Nov 2005|10:34pm] |
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like it was yesterday...sigh,and here I am thinkin' ..."Do you"?
I'm lucky enough to feel this way again...only what I feel right now seems more real.Yes even more real then that.Makes me wonder wether pure lust blinded me and true love was unseen...."everything happens for a reason"...but really,does it?Excuse me while I ponder...
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[09 Nov 2005|01:43pm] |
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This town was built on miles of hope / And I dare you to give me one reason to stay / And I won't go away / So far you've only dared me once / And I think we know that's not even close enough / Not enough for me to stay / And it costs so much I know / But I guess I need to know / What it would have felt like to be right / I'm getting tired all over again / So hurry up and get here / Because I'm still waiting / Just like I've always been / I'm getting tired of standing around / Just sitting here and waiting to be found / Same old shit just a different day / I'll wait around for one more day / But I know that's what I will always say / Will this ever be O.K.? / I will always worry about you / I will always stick up for you.
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| I love |
[01 Nov 2005|08:48pm] |
Love
don't ever betray me
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| A special moment |
[31 Jul 2005|08:29pm] |
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I'll be moving to Corona soon...maybe
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